Epic Let Down

My vow to remain indoors went out the window, when my sister coaxed me into running her errands. I only accepted because I knew I could bang it out quick and return to my cocoon. As I presumed I did, even though I nearly lost my fingers to frost bite and my face to the death wind. Ecstatic, I converted a blanket into a Snuggie and prepared my space into an invigorating night in. As I contemplated what movie to kick off my night, I was abruptly interrupted by a random phone call. Unfortunately I answered, only to be surprised by my manager.

"Bromley, what are you doing?" 

"Nothing. Just hanging out, why?"

"Well you know you're supposed to be at work...?"

Sadness immediately flooded my comfort filled veins, then anger quickly replaced the sadness. I replied with a plethora of drawn out apologies and promised I'd be there super soon. I've never wanted to be fired so badly in my life. Just to have my now fantasy become a reality. So now, I'm currently at my post by myself. I'm the only hostess on tonight, which I love. No one to talk to. It's not lonely at all, complete solitude for 7 plus hours. Of course every time I attempt to leave my assigned area the phone rings, or another overly excited group of hungry humans request a table; but not the one I give them. It's never good enough. Here I am, with a painful need to pee and bored out of my mind, pouring my thoughts into ripped scraps of paper. As though I'm in prison, scrounging around for blank pieces of litter, to plan my escape. Before I begin to scratch at the walls till my fingertips bleed, and write symbols with my blood; I'm going to choreograph a fetal position rock. I'll chant numbers out of sequence and quietly giggle at the sight of my blood. That way I'll have it down pat by 10pm. Giving me 2hours to properly execute the satanic vibe and clear out the restaurant. 

I think it's a good plan, don't you?

My day was a bigger let down then when I found out bacon wasn't a vegetable... 

Michelangelo wouldn't steer us wrong...

Michelangelo wouldn't steer us wrong...

Don't even get me Started on Hail.

Praise to the almighty Man Upstairs that the snow storm has decided to postpone itself. Now I can allow myself to venture outside, but only for a select few hours. I must be completely bunkered in by the time the snow vengeance begins. I can't stand the cold, one thing I despise more is when unexpected horror falls from the sky i.e. Rain and Snow. It's very uncomfortable, and you best believe umbrellas don't always do their job perfectly. So until Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs becomes an actual occurrence, I will forever stay indoors when the plummeting precipitations begin. 

Please be safe today kiddos. It could turn into acid flakes...

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STAY INSIDE

Ke$ha Does it...

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It's going down, 

I'm using Tinder, 

the concepts strange, 

the app is... 

actually quite discriminating and purely based on the attraction of physical appearance. Nothing else. Whatever happened to 'love is blind'? 

But, that's probably not their main concern. Who searches for love at 2:30am on their cellular device? Impossible. 

#hideyokids #hideyowife

Cause Bromley's using Tinder and she gunna find you ;)

My Exuberant Position

It's mind numbing, one minute you're listening to country music on repeat then your key survival elements begin to deplete. No longer can you perform daily tasks. All you hear are muffled voices that eat away the inner ear. Only when you least expect it, your body convulses and you're expelled from the vegetable prison, released back into the hell you tried to avoid. Of course your angry wrath is cast upon the customers with your now permanent resting bitch face, giving the wrong impression. There's no escaping it. The joys of a hostess never cease to excite.

"We have about a 45 minute wait for a table"

"Ok, can you put my name down?"

"Yes of course. What's your first name? I'll just put it on the list" 

Please go home. 

Please go home. 

Silver Lining?

"Networking will get you places" 

"You need to focus more on networking" 

"Bromley, are you listening? Network"

"Spin that network web and you'll ride the glory train"

I finally followed the advice from the whisperers in my head, and posted my URL on my Tumblr(should've been deleted years ago). Thankfully it's still active - now brace yourselves - because Me, Myself and I got 2 whole new followers! You wouldn't believe my excitement while I was illegally checking my phone at work this evening. I'm serious as sad as it sounds, luck like that doesn't shine much on me. My head immediately exploded with vanity. Followed by a quick embarrassing jig, and a few awkward eye contacts. Not only was I on top of the moon, but I had an epiphany. I finally knew why I was single. 

After my shift, I rushed home and waited for my dino Mac to load my new followers. The probable 'I <3 Summer' preteens blogs lingered in my head, 'Do they actually like my nonsense?' Or 'Were they just hoping for a #followback ?' One of the usernames seemed adult like, and possibly intellectual. It was spam. Hope still in the air, I clicked on the second. It started with a few good pictures but as I continued to scroll down, my eyes singed at the sight of dozens of very naked women.

My networking abilities are promising, I gained a "How To Make Easy Money Online: FAST!" identity scam, and a "Fuck Bitches Get Money" blog...

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My future looks bright!

Don't Wake Me Up

I've come to the conclusion, I'm nocturnal. I'm one of those dark creatures, creeping around in the night waiting for a treat. Majority of my posts are made in the wee hours of the morning anyway. Better things happen at night, the day bores me. Excited to go to breakfast? How about sinking your teeth into a big hunk of meat? -Dinner always wins. If you go into a bar during the day you look like an animal, but once the sun sets it's a free for all. Humans naturally look better at night, the gift of airbrushing is kindly given by the Man Upstairs after 5pm. My question to you is this, should I fight it, or give in to the sweet sweet power of the Aye Aye? 

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In the morning I resemble a satanic beast ^ 

But then my friend took the below photo of me, I wasn't paying attention, but I appear to be well rested. 

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Casual Shopper

Illustrated by Marc Pearson. 

Illustrated by Marc Pearson

Thought I'd add to my previous post, and drag on the sarcasm. There really is nothing I crave more, than the checkout line at Trader Joe's. In fact it thrills me how fast it forms, like a ninja snake in your old Nokia phone starving, searching for the yummy dots, fingers crossed it get's the occasional spider. Seriously though, one minute there's no line, then the next it's meandering throughout the building. Just to put it to scale(for those who are too Upper East Side for bargain shopping), imagine a factory, now turn it into a massive supermarket, then squeeze the population of Manhattan inside and you've got your good old Trader Joe's. Which I kindly refer to as an apocalyptic center for complete chaos. I swear they gas their employees on entering because, there is no suitable reason a worker would enjoy constantly restocking and bagging like a robot on overdrive, and appear to relish in the manic. Yesterday, over the loudspeaker a lady addressed how busy it was and asked if her fellow colleagues would join her in a "Bagging Party!!". No lie, a collection of 'Woohoo's!!' shortly followed, and the robots switched into ultra overdrive.

It's a Bucket-list place. 

For another cool insight into TJ's, read Aaron Gilbreath's 'The Man At The End Of The Line'

Just A Little Insight Into My Head...

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Raindrops on suede shoes and whiskers on women,

Bright blinding headlights and warm moldy linen, 

Brown paper packages filled up with shit, 

These all include in my favorite kit. 

Cream colored puss scabs and crisp welted sunburn, 

Doorbells and slave hells and psychiatric concern, 

Wild geese that fly into plane propellers, 

I will become one of the best sellers.

Girls in black leggings with brown sheepskin slippers,

Snowflakes that freeze my nose, and my zippers, 

Silver white old men, that cough in my face, 

Hades, resides in my favorite place. 

When I max out, 

When I fuck up, 

When I'm feeling fat, 

I simply forget all my favorite things, and then I go steal

A cat.